Peeking in

I never know what is expected of me. I am often told that I should only expect of me what I expect of me. So it's cool if I curl up in bed all day playing Pokémon in an attempt to ignore the pain from whatever is wrong with me? I'm told that this is fine. Do it. Recover. But that's not acceptable to me. I want to be an awesome mother. I want to be successful and chase my dreams. I want to be independent and confident. All these things I'm being told I can do, but I don't believe a word I'm hearing. 

This needs to end. I need to pick myself up and move. I know I'm a passionate, perfectly-abled, intelligent woman. My problem is that I have no (personal) proof. I have albinism, fibromyalgia, OCD, depression, hypoglycemia, and some sort of screwed up joint issue. I want to feel better so I can BE without the pain. The problem with having these issues at 26 is doctors think I'm lying. Vitamin D deficiency, cut gluten, try some yoga... No. There is something wrong. Otherwise I wouldn't be repetitively returning to facilities that give me anxiety. 

I know I can do this. I'm a pretty decent hobbyist photographer given my visual impairment. 

My loyal Effie

Ariel fits in beautifully with our front door area in the mornings

I'm just really happy to have gone to Multnomah Falls, absolutely amazing

I see skies like this and have to capture them

I'm actually surprised at how few pictures I have of Sarah right now

These are just a few I have on my phone. I've been dabbling in photography for years as a hobby. I usually did nature/landscapes, but that got boring. I use my pets as subjects right now in an attempt to get good at action shots. I love to play with lighting. I've been told it's interesting that I enjoy photography because I definitely see things differently than everyone else. I guess that's true, but meh.

But photography is just a hobby for me. I want to do something real, something that makes a difference. My passion for science and technology is unreal. Since meeting my husband, I've learned a lot about people like Jobs and Tesla. I know I'll never be THAT awesome but I don't want to die with nothing to leave behind. My whole childhood was a cluster of incompetent schools telling me what I couldn't do. It's hard to believe what I'm being told as an adult what I CAN do. 

Maybe I'll figure this out one day. I'm being told 26 is young, I have time... I guess I'll play Pokémon until I get that epiphany I need. 

My pain may be strong, but my passion is stronger.