Wednesday, May 18, 2016

But seriously

I am strongly disappointed in how much mainstream American society is ignoring mental health issues. Pretty much every major issue we're debating with our neighbors, on social media, in the car with annoying in-laws, and everywhere else, can all be brought back to a huge issue we're having: This country cares very little about mental health and it's disturbing.

When I started this blog, my plan was to have a voice. I know I'm just a simple say-at-home-mom but one major goal in my life has been to make a difference. Yes, I have struggled with mental health problems since I was a child. Yes, I know people who have it worse, but I know people who have it better. Funny thing is we're all fighting our own battles. I could sit here at this computer typing for three days straight about what I think a perfect worlds would be, but that would be my opinion. However, there is one thing I think we can all agree on: Each and every one of us just wants to be happy. I don't wake up and choose to be depressed. That guy down the street doesn't want to rely on drugs to keep himself going. Bullies are always displacing their own problems. No one WANTS be to be defeated. We all have a survival instinct. But why survive in misery?

I have had my struggles and am still battling every day to stay afloat. It is my ultimate goal to share my story, because when we share, we are not alone. I also want to hold my head up high and be able to smile and laugh with my son. My sense of humor keeps me sane, even though it may be a bit twisted.

I recently met my hero. It was super weird because I'm just me, a simple woman with dreams bigger than anyone could imagine, but I got to thank my hero for saving my life. Listen to Blue October sometime. Listen to their albums chronologically. Life is a struggle that I don't often feel like fighting for, but I still try because I hope one day I can make some sort of difference. I don't want to have continued living for nothing. I'm here for some reason, and I want to do what I need to do.

I look forward to building the courage to share my story. Here is step one.

Monday, March 14, 2016

Hold the Phone!

It's going to thunderstorm today. Maybe. Georgia is more indecisive than a hungry woman. Not a pregnant woman, though; they know what they want need. As I was singing to Gotye in the shower I remembered one of the moments in my life that just had that perfect-timing humor. Those are honestly the best moments in life.

Picture it, Roswell, GA, 2014.... (I couldn't help myself and I am not taking it back!)

Evan and I were hanging out in our bedroom as a thunderstorm was fast approaching. We knew we were moments away from having a vibrating dog as Effie is terrified of loud noises. Sometimes we try to distract her with music or television. This particular time I chose music, Gotye to be exact. Evan isn't terribly fond of Gotye, so I decided to troll him with "State of the Art" which happens to be one of the most catchy nonsensical songs in existence. By this point the storm was in full rampage.

"Why do you like this song so much?"

"Because it's damn catchy! Come on!"

"It's so annoying!"

"Well, come over here and turn it off then!"

Then the storm knocked the power out. I'm not kidding. That exact moment is when it happened. I guess that settles it. God hates that particular song. Or would it be Thor? Something to ponder...

My life is full of situational humor. It's how I keep going.

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Up at Night

Recently Evan and I took in a newly homeless kitty. Well, homeless isn't exactly the right word; she was living alone in the house of her late mommy.

Smokey is a 14-year-old Maine Coon mix. When her elderly mom unexpectedly passed away in her home, sending Smokey to the shelter was the last thing the surviving family wanted to worry about. I saw the post on a local Facebook group desperately trying to re-home this old beauty. Evan and I have a huge soft spot of older cats, and Smokey being a Maine Coon mix was just an added plus at that point. We took her in and she blends in very nicely with Ariel and Sarah. She even curls up on the bed with Effie.

I've noticed that some of my deepest thoughts and realizations come when I'm only half awake. That being said, we noticed some interesting behavior from Smokey at night. When we're fast asleep we're often awakened by Smokey forcefully nudging us. Our other cats do this for pets but not this rough... Then it hit me. Her late mommy died in her home. She's making sure we're okay...

Call me crazy, but animals aren't dumb and they never forget. It's absolutely heartbreaking to think of her behavior this way, but the dots connect. We brought her in to give her a happy, healthy, and safe retirement. She deserves nothing less.

I mean, look at this sweetheart!

She's a food thief, though. Hide your pizza. <3

Friday, March 4, 2016

Peeking in

I never know what is expected of me. I am often told that I should only expect of me what I expect of me. So it's cool if I curl up in bed all day playing Pokémon in an attempt to ignore the pain from whatever is wrong with me? I'm told that this is fine. Do it. Recover. But that's not acceptable to me. I want to be an awesome mother. I want to be successful and chase my dreams. I want to be independent and confident. All these things I'm being told I can do, but I don't believe a word I'm hearing. 

This needs to end. I need to pick myself up and move. I know I'm a passionate, perfectly-abled, intelligent woman. My problem is that I have no (personal) proof. I have albinism, fibromyalgia, OCD, depression, hypoglycemia, and some sort of screwed up joint issue. I want to feel better so I can BE without the pain. The problem with having these issues at 26 is doctors think I'm lying. Vitamin D deficiency, cut gluten, try some yoga... No. There is something wrong. Otherwise I wouldn't be repetitively returning to facilities that give me anxiety. 

I know I can do this. I'm a pretty decent hobbyist photographer given my visual impairment. 

My loyal Effie
Ariel fits in beautifully with our front door area in the mornings

I'm just really happy to have gone to Multnomah Falls, absolutely amazing

I see skies like this and have to capture them

I'm actually surprised at how few pictures I have of Sarah right now

These are just a few I have on my phone. I've been dabbling in photography for years as a hobby. I usually did nature/landscapes, but that got boring. I use my pets as subjects right now in an attempt to get good at action shots. I love to play with lighting. I've been told it's interesting that I enjoy photography because I definitely see things differently than everyone else. I guess that's true, but meh.

But photography is just a hobby for me. I want to do something real, something that makes a difference. My passion for science and technology is unreal. Since meeting my husband, I've learned a lot about people like Jobs and Tesla. I know I'll never be THAT awesome but I don't want to die with nothing to leave behind. My whole childhood was a cluster of incompetent schools telling me what I couldn't do. It's hard to believe what I'm being told as an adult what I CAN do. 

Maybe I'll figure this out one day. I'm being told 26 is young, I have time... I guess I'll play Pokémon until I get that epiphany I need. 

My pain may be strong, but my passion is stronger.